A Little Over Two Years Ago.....

I experienced something a little over 2 years ago that has so affected my life, that I don't know if I will ever fully recover from it. Mark experienced it too, and even though he is the only other person in the world who can truly understand my feelings, I can only speak for myself. We took our 3 month old daughter into a doctor's office perfectly normal and came out with a blind girl. At least that was our perception. I think we both thought there was possibly something wrong, but neither of us was prepared for the Dr. to look us in the eyes and say,"This is a very serious, situation that cannot be corrected by surgery or glasses. Your daughter is blind." The main thing that I remember is that the door to the examination room was wide open to the lobby. I was sitting there, trying to hold myself together as I felt my world falling apart. The only thing that the Dr could confirm to us that day was that Lora could see light, beyond that, we didn't know. We didn't know at that point whether she had some other syndrome that could involve a heart defect or mental retardation. The only thing we knew is that we walked in there with a normal, healthy daughter and were leaving with a blind daughter.

Now, as most of you know, the reality of her situation has ended up being so much better than what we thought it would be. God is helping Lora to use what she has to the fullest and we have seen miracles such as color vision that we never expected. And, I don't mean to harp on her situation or keep bringing it up, as I know there are much more pressing matters in the world. But this one day, one moment actually, in that Dr's office has seemingly forever shaped my world and how I relate to God and especially how I relate to other Christians.

Because Lora's situation has turned out to be so much better than we expected...I go along feeling like I am no longer affected by it. But then, out of the blue, I read something or hear something that someone has written or said and it sends me into a tailspin. I read a comment on a blog today that gave me such a visceral, physical reaction that I didn't know what to do. I don't want to go into the comment, it is irrelevant, it is my reaction to the comment that I am concerned with. This is a person who I have never met, probably will never meet. He is probably close to 15 years younger than me, has no influence over my life in any way, other than what I allow him to have. As a side note, it is amazing to me how powerful words can be, which is a good thing to remember. But since this moment in my life a little over 2 years ago, I cannot trust my reactions to things. A comment about providence or God allowing things in our lives, or things being a result of sin on our lives, etc can send me down an emotional spiral or on an angry tirade. I am by nature, a pretty laid-back, easy going person...but everything changed in a moment a little over two years ago.

I remember in the months after, hearing from people who had heard from other people how well Mark and I were "handling" our situation. I would respond "Well, those people aren't with us 24 hours a day". I never wanted people to feel like we didn't grieve, or that we still don't. I wonder what those people would say if they could see me now, sitting here at 3:42 on a Thursday afternoon, almost 2 1/2 years later crying and typing over a comment on a blog that sent me into an emotional tailspin and a venting tirade, made by a person I have never met.....Is there hope for me? I think so...I think this is what a real relationship with God looks like. It isn't always pretty or perfect. Its a journey. A rocky one sometimes, but a journey nonetheless. I'm glad I'm on it, most of the time. I think its better than the alternative. Imagine the mess I would be without God...okay, don't imagine it.