I am so all talk. I say that I love people but I am still so selfish. Last night was my husband and my 8th wedding anniversary, very nice. We went out to dinner at "The Melting Pot", a local fondue restaurant. It was really fun, almost 3 hours without the kids. (Thanks to Lori and Ben for the free babysitting) Anyway, we get home from our $100 dinner and are met with the homeless man that Mark has been helping out and my only response to him is annoyance. He was hanging out in our church, which is behind our house and I am utterly annoyed.
No love from Christa, no sympathy. All I can think about is the fact of how much time Mark has had to spend with him these past months...the number of housing opportunities that have been set up and somehow "didn't quite work out"...Mark having to explain to him that he can't sleep in the church but he can sleep in our "fort" in the backyard. I kept thinking that we have fed this kitten too many times and he keeps coming to our backporch...I am just being honest, I'm a horrible person. I'm not sure I'm really a Christian at all..
Here is one of "the least of these" and I can't even muster up one emotion other than frustration and annoyance. I'm so torn because I constantly live in the tension between wanting to just give away everything that I have and wanting to blame the person we are trying to help for getting into their mess in the first place. I think that there are choices that are made sometimes that keep people in their situations...but what about the choices that I have made..why do I have a family that has bailed me out of stupid financial decisions and helped to keep me from being homeless a time or two and some people have no one?
Life is weird and I don't know how it all works. I don't know how God works all of the time and why things happen the way that they do. I do think though that we haven't gotten it yet, all of us as human beings and especially those of us who call ourselves followers of Christ - at least I haven't. I'm glad that God didn't give up on us as a human race and sent us Christ to model how we are supposed to love each other - without judgement or constraits. I'm glad that because of Christ in my life I AT LEAST am living in that constant tension between wanting to do what He would do and wanting my own way. I guess that is a start for now....with His help I want to love more.
3 comments:
Horrible?? Not so much. I could use up a lot of space stating all of the great things you're involved in AND lives you've personally changed for the better.
I think natural is a more correct assessment of your reaction. I also think that understanding the tenuous line we walk between trying to be followers of Christ and actually DOING it is something well worth talking about.
Do you ever wonder if Jesus felt annoyed by the idiots that wanted his attention, help, and healing? I tend to think that he probably felt the same way you did. Don't beat yourself up. It's good that you recognize it and can learn from it. Own your emotions, they are what they are and you can't help feeling what you feel. It's your reactions that define you.
I wonder if your frustration is from your lack of compassion, OR is it that deep down you have doubts whether this person is indeed a "least of these"? Is a "least of these" defined as someone who is at a point of helplessness or vulnerability? I know how quickly anyone of us could fall into that catagory. But at what point do we exit that state? Is a victim who chooses to remain a victim really in that catagory? I believe Jesus came to help those who were in "point of need." Maybe his point of need isn't shelter, but it is an emotional hurt or something. Your conscience may be picking up on something the "facts" aren't! I really believe the Holy Spirit will guide your spirit in truth.
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